Overcoming Self Sabotage

When I feel like shit or when people make me feel like shit, I self-flagellate and hide myself. I shut down faster than a 5G tower in the UK (bad current news joke). I turn off the lights, the fire and the central energy (but not the gas, methane gotta bet let out).  And, I know that it is completely wrong, as I just punish myself extensively and cause long lasting damage to Me, and Me only. But that is how I am programmed (the operating system is being upgraded slowly y’all). I did this most of last year. I stopped a lot of hobbies and generally stopped following my dreams… for what? Nothing but misdirected anger.

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Last year, I dropped out of the London Edge / Alternative “community” after a rather awful experience. In the end, I got pretty disenchanted with it all, and got let down enough that I don’t think I will ever go back to this kind of events. There are so many people who showed their true faces, unfortunately not very pretty. #YesThatIsShade

Last year, the fact that my two best friends were fully living abroad took a toll on me. London is a pretty shallow city, and it is very difficult to find genuine friendship here. Seriously, it is easier to find a mugger than a friend.

Last year, I also experienced some really bad health issues, linked to an implant which triggered my depression, times ten. I am still dealing with the aftermath. Still looking for the medical Bruce Willis to sort me out.

This unholy trinity just made me close shop : I shut down my instagram, closed my previous blog and stopped doing the things I love (a part from travelling because I live for travelling).

Instead of just taking it on the chin, I took it on the whole damn body.

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I became recluse, angry and sad. The one thing that is always a true revelation when you suffer from depression is realising who matters and who doesn’t. Because once your lights are gone, the magpies of this world who are only interested in you when you shine, well … they disappear without a goddamn trace. I noticed a pattern from a few people: since I was not of use anymore or popping up on Instagram as often, then I was not included or communicated with. My perceived use had ended in their eyes.

… Which is technically fine, so long as I had acted accordingly, ie cut their asses off and not my own!!

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The good thing now, is that through a social media break and a few good reconnections with blasts from the past, I feel more confident to go ahead and do what feels good for me.

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As someone who over analyses everything, and takes everything to heart, it can be hurtful to realise that some people are only in it for what they can take from you. But it can also be great as it gives you the option to read the fine print of that relationship and just decline that contract honey!

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I now have a new mechanism when my feelings are starting to get rattled. I literally take a deep breath, think about what I have accomplished, and what is to come, and just tell myself “fuck this shit” and “fuck them all”!

Fuck is an amazing word.

⚡💚⚡Love & Lightning⚡💚⚡

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2 Comments Leave a comment

  1. The good news is tht you have lots of self awareness. But this isn’t always easy. It usually works out Good wishes

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