My London Estate Agents Nightmare

Folks, I have a confession to make. I think I am trans-turtle. Yes, trans-turtle.

How so?

Well, lovely readers, please know that up until recently, I have never felt such a longing to experience the life of the gothic turtle, portable black-clad housing and all.  Between the current (yet soon to be ex) living arrangement, and the trekking that is finding a new home, it has been really tough to manage my time, especially with work being more dramatic than Axl Rose on carbs.

This post’s goal is to give you a flavour of the fuckery I have experienced both as a leaving tenant and a prospective tenant.

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The Leaving Tenant Fuckery Tales

Literally within the hour of the notice being dropped, I got bombarded by requests from the agent handling this property (ParkShit aka ParkHeath). And in the following days, multiple agents calling me at all times before, during and after working hours, even though I clearly specified to them to email me as I am constantly in meetings.

Sometimes, I’d get calls from 3 people from the same agency harassing me to arrange viewings for the same person.  They are so disorganised, and do not give a damn that they have rang you five times in the last 10 minutes, and that if you have hit the ‘DECLINE’ call button, it is for a reason!

Like being in the middle of a meeting about Cheese Stock Adjustments.

Some of the incidents which happened with viewings:

  • Estate agent not turning up at all, even though I scurried my ass to make sure I was going to be on time to let the people in;
  • Prospects turning up, without estate agent in tow – the latter conveniently rocking up after I showed the place to the prospect (Parkheath are a terrible estate agency!), where is my commission booboo??;
  • Prospects staying more than 15 minutes because they are waiting for their mates to turn up? Dude, really?? viewings as social events? [nb: these were literally friends, not prospective sharers];
  • Agents requesting viewings within the same day and asking you to also be there : completely bypassing the fact that there is a legal requirement for them to give 24 hours for notice. download (5)
  • Agents acting pissy because you refuse to have strangers walking in your flat at short notice with no-one in the property – cue salty email exchange reminding them that I live according to my timeline, not theirs. Yes, Parkheath are an awful agency!download (1)


The Prospective Tenant Fuckery Tales

On the other side now. The scene : yours truly is looking for a crypt which contains no demons, no remnants of unholy spirits and most definitely no arseholes complaining that I should not walk on wooden floors.

What does one do? Fill up an online questionnaire on and with very explicit requirements – such as where I want to live.

Some of the incidents which happened with viewings:

  • Agents listing ghost properties. So after you become very enamoured with a property and legit can see yourself sashay in it based on the pictures, the agent sends you 10 other properties which have no relation to the original one. Upon querying the status of said property : it has been let. TAKE IT OFF YOU FOOL!!
  • Agents bombarding you with properties for £10k a month in Flushistan even though you specifically told them you could only afford to live in Strugglistan. Some of them kept pushing areas I am not interested in, really frustrating.
  • Landlord from Valhalla : I saw a really nice flat online and booked a viewing. Knocked on the door and this old geezer opens the door and greets me with ” Pfff, you are the last one today, everybody was fucking useless today!!” …. Erm? Mmmkay … I followed him up the stairs – with my phone on WEIRDO mode – only for him to complain about the cost of the renovations. And complain about the assholes turning up to viewings. Aaaaand complain about the pain in the arse letting process and people not earning enough for his flat. And then, upon me questioning whether windows were double glazed, old boy proceeded to launch into a tirade about ‘the bloody costs’. Dude, I don’t care. But this wasn’t the worst. The worst was when he announced that he lived downstairs and that he needed to sit me down for a full on interview. download (1)I did not run then but I live to tell the story ! Folks – I forgot to mention that throughout this process, this imbecile turned extremely condescending and patronising when he heard my accent. To the point of talking to me like I was Forrest Gump. And repeating : “do you know what a combi-boiler is” in slow mo.Rolling-my-eyes-so-hardThis dude kept on probing my nationality, and even circled it on a piece of paper before lunging into where exactly from France I was from. To which the obvious response was ” a village called Assaule“.  A village which is sadly overpopulated! Once I told him my income and actually let him know I am not interested at all in his place, he changed his tone. By which time I was texting and facebooking furiously outside what an arsehole this landlord was! [the true usage of FB innit?]

Anyhow, I have now put a deposit on a flat so wish me luck so I don’t have to go through this again!!!!!

What is your worst experience with estate agents?


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